Pain - the Other Kind of Pleasure
The starting point will be to describe how you can derive pleasure from pain. The perception of pain as mild or severe varies from person to person. Pain play, therefore, requires a high degree of empathy. How far can you go before you reach the tipping point will also depend on your personal constitution on the session day. Pain can be learned. So don’t scream your head off if something hurts just a little bit, and try not to fight against the idea of enduring more pain. It doesn’t have to happen right away, or even on the same day. If you allow it to happen and if your partner is sensitive, after just a couple of hours of training you will be surprised at your nipples, your balls, or ass can take.
You can learn how to turn pain into pleasure! After just a little practical experience you may find what attitude suits you best or enables you to get the most out of it. There is a variety of different methods for deriving pleasure from pain:
The aggressive bottom: this bottom knows exactly which part of his body he wants to feel and has no problem with articulating what he wants, insisting on attention being paid to this particular region. He enjoys the pain inflicted on him according to his wishes.
The suffering bottom: He longs for pain and humiliation, but as soon as his desires are fulfilled, he immediately bursts out crying and wailing.
The introverted bottom: He endures pain and humiliation without making a sound, only occasionally giving a signal if it gets too much for him.
But inflicting pain can be also be enjoyed in a variety of ways.
The mindful player he keeps a watchful eye on the bottom’s every reaction, sensing each and every vibe and getting off on the power that these vibes provide. He approaches the bottom’s boundaries slowly and carefully, expanding them instead of overstepping them by force.
Rituals involve a course of actions that are repeated the same way every time, which is generally performed on a regular basis. People love rituals. Repeated, familiar actions can give you a feeling of safety and guidance. Using rituals to introduce complex situations and exciting or arousing actions such as a BDSM session can make this easy to deal with.
A BDSM session is like a trip to another world, with its own set of self-defined rules. It can have a similar effect to taking a short vacation, leaving you relaxed and fully rested. As this exceptional state is limited and only lasts for the course of a session, try and savour this brief and valuable time as much as possible. And that’s what rituals are for. But rituals don’t have always have to follow the same procedure. BDSM provides you with more opportunities for creating rituals than vanilla sex does. This is not due to the roles, but also to the many different accessories and varieties that allow you to incorporate into actions.
Meet the players
BDSM focuses on sexuality rather than romantic feelings, so expectations of erotic fulfilment are accordingly high. Which is why initial conversations, whether face to face or online, can help you asses a potential partner if you haven’t gotten to know him yet. To avoid any frustration, honesty is your friend. Your fantasies will never become a reality if you don’t say what you want.
The Masochist – Pain Slut
Unlike slaves, masochists are not interested in a long-term relationship. Masochists are the “floozies” of BDSM, so to speak: always on the lookout for the next Dom to fulfil their desires or teach them something new. Some of these guys have an accordingly impressive repertoire. After all, there are all kinds of forms of humiliation, oppression, and pain – far more then there are sexual positions. And that’s what your masochist is into. Every session with every new partner is determined by the new guy dominance and tailored according to his desires. But if you are a masochist, you’re still allowed a vote on what happens during the session, so that you can enjoy it without any unpleasant surprises.
So if you like to submit, if you are into pain and humiliation, but you’re not interested in being a slave and submitting to the iron rule of the Master all the time, then why not try being a masochist?
Masochism the Other Side of Masculinity
From a medical perspective, a masochist is someone who drives (sexual) pleasure or satisfaction from humiliation, oppression or submitting to pain inflicted on him by another person. So logically, masochism is the exact complement of sadism. Submission frees you from responsibility for your actions. Any acts of humiliation to which you are subjected can be used to fearlessly act out your fantasies or hidden desires with your partner within the safety of the session. You’re allowed to be turned on by being called a “dirty cocksucker.” If you ever hear that on the street, I’ll bet you’ll feel very differently about it. Your Dom won’t mind if you get a hard-on when he smacks your face. Yes, you can enjoy your suffering, your endurance, letting yourself be put down and surrendering yourself up. Accepting and performing acts you would never dream of doing in everyday life. Enduring pain and performing humiliating acts both contradict society’s still very common and widespread ideal of the strong, upright man. Which makes placing yourself in the opposite position even more arousing. To achieve this, you should either be suitably inclined or have a highly developed sense of curiosity and adventure.
The slave- Life as One Long Session
If, on the other hand, a long-term relationship with plenty of pain and humiliation threw in is what you look for, you might be more of a slave type. But absolute dedication is also a factor: The fulfilment of your Master desires and fantasies should be more important than your own. A proper slave needs a Master to turn his life over to. His only purpose in life is to serve his Master and he is prepared to give up everything else. Entering into this kind of relationship warrants proper consideration. After all, it should ultimately be about fulfilling our own needs and fantasies. If your Master does not satisfy you- at least occasionally- even the most obedient slave will eventually start to rebel. And quite right, too. Because even a slave has a right to his own needs and desires. All agreements should, therefore, be subject to occasional review, if necessary.
The Bottom -Everything is Possible
The bottom is commonly viewed as the sexual complement to the top. The term is often used synonymously with “sub” (submissive). He enjoys being fucked and giving blowjobs but also likes being ordered around as a sub or suffering pain and humiliation as a masochist. But the main focus of every session is still on fucking and blowing. As long as there’s a nice fat dick in his ass at some point, he’s happy. This is what distinguishes him from exclusive masochists and subs, who can do without.
Submission – Giving Up Control
The next ingredient of pleasurable BDSM sex is submission. This is the complement of dominance, bending to another person’s will, deference, and subordination. There is no point in dominating someone who has no will of his own. Nor is it much fun. Submission can take many forms in BDSM, from symbolic acts like licking the Dom’s boots or feet to enduring actual pain. “That doesn’t do anything for me” or “That hurts” sentences no Dom ever wants to hear if there are clear prearranged rules governing the session.
Sadism and Masochism
Sadism and Masochism were originally medical diagnostic terms, which is why many people still see them as abnormal or even pathological. But none of the people sadomasochist or kinksters, which is how many of them refer to themselves who meet up to act out their fantasies are actually violent. This activity is based on mutual pleasure and consent of everyone involved. The golden rule here is safe, sane, and consensual play. Or you can put it like this; sex with elements of S&M as an erotic, relaxing, and voluntary experience. The safe word functions as a stop signal.
Most people like to use a pre-agreed-upon safe word, which functions as a stop signal for your partner. This could be any word or the traffic light code: GREEN means “everything’s fine,” YELLOW means “still fine, but slow down,” and RED means “stop immediately.” Hands signals or latter is particularly useful if you’re using gags. The important thing is to ensure that communication is possible at all times. The most important point here is agreeing on a safe word which both parties are obliged to use and respect.
We generally associate the term “dominance” with determination, willpower, assertiveness, and resolve, but also with aggressiveness and tenacity. But dominance is not quality it is a type of behaviour, one that can be learned if you are that way inclined. A good DOM should be sensitive as well as determined. A good Dom or Master can find the right balance between determination and empathy during a session. His self-control should also be highly developed, for if he is overcome by the rush of power, this usually spells the end of any shared pleasure. To prevent this from happening, both partners should agree on certain rules beforehand.
Sadism - the Thrill of Power
We tend to associate qualities such as brutality, lack of feeling, violence and cruelty, even bestiality, with this term. From a medical point of view, a sadist is someone who gains (sexual) satisfaction or arousal from inflicting pain or humiliation on others. Sadism is just one aspect of sex or just a type of foreplay as one of the many forms of individual’s sexuality can take. But what are origins of this type of sadistic pleasure? The main thrill stems from the feeling of power. Your sub surrenders himself up to you, letting you do whatever you want with him. At least that’s how it seems. Every man enjoys a change from the grind of everyday life. After all, that’s what BDSM session is: a brief vacation from your daily routine.
The Sadist – You’re in complete control
Generally, the sadist’s complement, a masochist who surrenders himself up entirely, can give the sadist this feeling of total control. This liberates him, in turn, from all of these fears. Both partners perform these roles only while the session is in play. After that, they meet again as equals. But as sadomasochistic relations are relatively rare in a long-term relationship – this would be more of a Master-slave relationship.
The Switch – Either/Or/Both?
The term “switch” is used to describe men who don’t commit to either role, preferring instead to play one or the other as the occasion, or personal mood, dictates. Of course, this opens up a wealth of possibilities. If you’re a switch, you can try out and enjoy the many different sides of BDSM. The vast majority of gay men have had some kind of experience with playing the other part and should be at least capable of imagining that it could be just as much fun. Fortunately, being a switch makes you a very popular choice for most people, because that’s precisely the advantage you bring to the table: your know-how. Performing both sexual roles enables you to develop your sensitivity and sense of empathy for both of them.
The Top – BDSM as an Extra
During a session, tops are both active and dominant. Tops are active in the sense of “I don’t let anyone fuck me and I don’t do oral.” And they’re dominant in the sense of “I decide what happens.” Sure, this rule can be broken from time to time. Many tops are into rough play without necessarily identifying as sadists or Masters, even if they do include these roles in their sexual repertoire. A top may incorporate elements of sadism into a session – tit torture, for example, or cock and ball torture- without being into dominant play- no barked orders, no commanding tone of voice. They might not be into role play either.
The Right Combination- Endless Possibilities
No matter what kind of relationship aligns closest with your own, flexibility in either direction is always helpful and generally very welcome. Especially if you can manage to stick to your basic role, whether you’re a top, a Dom, a sadist or a Master, or a bottom, sub, masochist or slave. The great thing about choosing your partner in BDSM is, your relationship only lasts for the duration of the session. Surprises good or bad are always part of the deal, but that’s what makes it interesting.